Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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