How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
