Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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