id be glad to
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
