Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
