he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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