covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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