just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
