either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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