yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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