Do you still have your period?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
