My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
