I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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