I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
