It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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