I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
