Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
