Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize