I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
