My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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