u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
