I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's always time for handjobs
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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