I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Someone signed my nipple.
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