Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
