First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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