fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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