I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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