My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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