im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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