I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
