why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
