Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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