So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
