You work out of a Hotel?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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