Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
