Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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