Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
