i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
