1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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