your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
