Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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