ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
