I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
