He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
