oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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