I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
