He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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