He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
