Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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