mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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