just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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