Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
