i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
