Michael Bay diarrhea
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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