i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
