Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
