So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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