I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
