I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
