I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
