Umm I'm too high to move.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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